I once worked somewhere.There was no appreciation or recognition.Even if I did it right 99%,the 1% I got wrong could be emphasized on and make me feel like I had done nothing.For once I sat myself down,took a book and a pen and started writing my strengths and weaknesses.
“Am I really that bad? Am I that stupid? Am I that useless,” for a moment,limitless who has never doubted herself started doubting her abilities.I even rejected an opportunity while I was working there since I had been made to feel like I didn’t deserve better opportunities.
My confidence and self worth which have always been on the roof were now on the widows,ready to fly away.Everyday I cried to God to not let that happen.
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I tried so much not to break down but eventually I did.That is when I realized every thing has a breaking point,even a chicken.There is a way you can chase it and it decides to give up and surrender,knowing very well it will be slaughtered.HAHA!
When I left the place and got a better one,for like a year, I carried that trauma. My new boss saw my value more than I even saw it.He pointed out the strengths I didn’t even know I had. I felt seen,valued, appreciated and at my best. The worst part though, I carried the trauma there.
When he appeared to be upset,not even upset but when he appeared sad I would think, “you are getting fired,vyou messed up.See how mad he is at you.”
That is how bad trauma can damage you.It keeps you on toes,vyour hair standing,fearful and on the look out.vYou live in a ‘what can go wrong’ perception. It makes you judge your moves, becoming so hesistant even in your growth journey.
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One girl had been shown so must dust such that when she got a fiance she couldn’t keep him because of trauma.When he failed to answer her 99 calls one night,the next day they met and broke up. “I knew it!I nosed it! I knew it right from the beginning,that I was not alone.”
That’s what she said after seeing a text on her fiance’s phone which read, “Please hurry up,I don’t know if I will make it this night without you.”
The girl just shouted at the man without caring to know what had transpired last night.Sadly,the man had lost his sister who had been involved in a tragic road accident. The girl’s trauma of being betrayed just popped when she opened her fiance’s chat. That is how the man decided to not be involved in her madness anymore.
That is how bad trauma is.Trauma makes you numb.You lose the best people due to trust issues and carelessness,because who is going to associate with someone who can’t trust them anyway?
You develop self judgement and can’t even associate with the right people because you believe you don’t deserve them. Low self worth makes you think you are valueless and don’t deserve the best in life. It gives you assumptions that no good people exist after facing that one nightmare. You keep being hurt constantly because you fear to stand for yourself after getting used to people pleasing.
Personally, it took me serious work to fully believe in myself again. I realized my value. That no one can scare me because what is meant for me will always be. That I don’t have to endure mental torture to get money.
You didn’t cause yourself trauma but you can cause your healing. Otherwise you will forever live in chains. Trauma comes in different forms. Either you directly faced it or watched someone else go through it, doesn’t matter. If it affected you then you need healing otherwise it lingers and affects new experiences and relationships.
Reflect, recognize and address your trauma. Seek healing and allow yourself the freedom to live fully again.